This doesn't matter to anything, introspective witterings ahead..  Dad, uh, this might not be best one for you to read!

Someone recently asked why I'm celibate. She asked with such curiosity I couldn't help but be honest: "It's a bit of a long story.." [nods] "I was sexually abused when I was younger." ["Oh, I understand."] "So it's a bit messy." [nods again] She didn't need or want to know more, she understood from an atheist's perspective why celibacy could be a positive shift. Just for the record it probably wasn't. Celibacy really fucks you up.. aside from all the basic frustrations that you'd expect.. the mind goes through cycles, and when not ..observed.. [i.e. repressed] ~mental-roots~ have this way of inverting on themselves [really hope this makes sense!!], twisting and becoming a knot of fuck-up or anger-tension.

I've found celibacy follows a similar pattern to starvation (big surprise, huh?). When not feeding myself I stop noticing hunger (after the adjustment period) then the thought of food causes a peculiar cognitive dissonance because while the smell and taste are amazing there's a bizarre disgust that comes with it too (particularly the physical* manifestation of it) and that disgust can have some very peculiar ~mental-growths~ further down the line. When not receiving a response [A: at a fundamental level] to sexual stimulation you [A: mind and body get outta sync] start not noticing it, and then it somehow somepoints it becomes a negative too (dissonance) because your body knows it's not going to get what it needs and you start mentally fucking yourself up... I'm not saying celibacy gives priests their reputation (to be crude: that's a chicken and egg problem, imo). But in a flux system stagnation is death or an approximation, and the approximation could sometimes be seen as worse. *[Add: physical manifestation = at the point where it becomes undeniably real. And.. it can be masochistically pleasureable to let yourself rot in that (hunger or starvation) stagnation (after some point where you've broken youself or given up somehow)].

Think of the number of relationships that go weird and chaotic after bed-death or when one partner is more satisfied than the other on a regular basis, it causes rifts and imbalances in the relationship to say the least.

I hope any of that made sense to someone else.. because forever this blog has been cold storage for my thoughts, and now there's some people watching. I find it strange (as before.. jewels..) but I'm starting to get used to the idea and I can only hope that if you're reading it's because you enjoy this nonsense somehow, thanks :)  later, people! ;)  It's a sunny day!