Sometimes I can't move. My friend got me a cane recently so I can walk to the shops while ill. I know a lot of people struggle adjusting to life with a cane and I can't say it's been pretty the whole time but I can't deny how much easier this beauty makes my life.

I'm afraid to be seen in my epilepsy helmet. There said it, kinda. The cane I can get my head around but the helmet. . oh I'm having a hard time with that one. I don't need it most of the time, I tell myself, and avoid wearing it then smash my head into the fridge or just feel it swelling like a blood blister pressed against whatever pillow made of razor wire was available. Oh man, I'm getting all caught up in the shit end of the stick again - for anyone who might actually read this just ignore me for a minute - When you can't move. . well you can't move there's not much to do about it, you just lay there and the passing out comes around soon enough, and when you wake up you work out how many days you lost to the passing out. When I go from having the cane around to needing the cane handy I know I'll need the helmet sometime soon, that bit sucks bc the confusion and forgetfulness haven't really kicked in so much as to make you forget the fundamental truths of your body, yet, so you're totally, hmm, nope somewhat kinda a bit, [uh, got it!] differing partial degrees aware of how much it's going to suck before you get to the down and out of it stage. The bit where it takes a few days swelling into that blood blister.

 

Right ignore that all. So the cane made it possible for me to go to the supermarket in the 40 minutes before it closed. Usually I wouldn't even attempt this: ignoring that I'd be in a puddle on the floor if I did, I wouldn't be able to get there in time to get around the shop or get myself home. I've tried that and ended up sat with bags (fewer than I needed) around me in the street calling my friend in tears while convulsing, not pretty, happened again recently. The aftermath of doing that is 12+ hours of pain followed by days of 'you overdid and fucked yourself' pain and inability in achingly long waves (or screaming at the top of your lungs long fucking waves, you know, as they come). But I did actually go to the shop last night, in 40 minutes. Even if if means I'm in pain this morning, I did physically manage it and the pain is.. well it's bad but it's bearable for the sake of having what I needed last night.

This all sucks doesn't it. Well, anyway, this is why I have that mantra. Which helps me get up, with more than just my legs in tow.

Sometimes, it's easier to get caught up and forget how much I'm ill, to keep trying to live with my standards from before, like I only need 5hrs sleep a night, it stops working if you do it all the fucking time, or I can get by on a biscuit and some coffee if I don't have food money this week so long as I'm presentable at the job interview what does it matter anyway, and then I don't eat for days and I fall over so much harder when I'm ill now than I did then. Being present is about more than surroundings.

I'm used to my life, I know how to get around when my eyes don't work, I feel the way ahead of me and every so often the cats have come through and moved the rugs up, if I trip my instinct takes over and my body reacts - often, because I know the place I can catch myself and (not to brag or anything but..) I have the experience and I fall like a pro. There's that moment when you're falling that you can feel gravity catching you and tugging you in. Can get it in cars too on the hills or bumps. I love that feeling. It's like, there's space around you, it forms into bubble and for a second you're not a person on the earth so much as a person-object adjacent to a bigger than you can imagine mass moving very, so fast you basically can't imagine that either and you're suddenly and for just a fraction of a second part of more than a person-object is usually aware of.

When your body does something it can't handle your nerves flare off a pain signal, you can either stop doing the thing or usually the pain gets worse. If the thing is out of your control to stop and the pain keeps getting worse the body starts producing chemicals that make the pain bearable. I call these sparkles usually bc by that point 'words' are not real things. These are, hmm, not drugs in the traditional sense (well... ... ... don't go down that rabbit hole) but it is some of the same chemicals and I've met some people who've described much more fun versions of some of my experiences. Usually falling over a lot is, uh, frustrating. But with sparkles anything is funny, I once spent ten minutes giggling about the sensation of air in my lungs. I've done full slapstick routines while off my tits on pain, left my only audience member smiling a bit even if it was only at how funny I found the show. I've spent long unbearable journeys snickering through the red behind my eyes to some comedy science show someone made years ago and is just as relevant to present day physics. The world is as fast as you perceive it to be.... well or it's a block universe but really that just makes no sense because then why does light move at the speed it does? Nah I think it's got to be a progression of motion, a change of matter (at a quantum rate and level as well as the largest macro) that is perceived as time we are familiar with which make space space-time because you can't have time without a space to be moved. or .as we perceive it, space without time's never ending progression, how would you continue to see if light wasn't moving? Time is what makes space perceivable, so now I just need to work out why the speed of light is that, because if it's as simple as the speed of motion of the universe I'll be very happy and eat some chocolate, and if not then I've got something to look forward to. Right, sorry, distracted by physics... anyway where was I??

 

Hmm, living :) pop music, don't click the link if you won't like it

What I'm saying is know, feel, work for flow. On a really low level I think we can feel if what we're doing is working for us.

And humans love to mess things up to learn more from it, so awareness that flow's evil twin of 'I'm right because..' is usually following creepily behind, watch for that one. Arrogance isn't attractive, or effective.

 

Deep breath, now take that next step.

mantra

 Okay, deep breath...

Gravity tells you which way in the world is up... keep breathing...

It feels like you need to fight but that's just your body heating up, work with it... deep breaths now and feel for your gut... you already know which is up...

Doesn't matter if your limbs feel like jelly, if you can feel them it's getting better... [if you can't feel them keep trying, keep breathing...] your gut's with you, you know which is up... deep breath...

Feel for the next steps... you know where up is, feel it, your gut is with you, feel it, your body can respond to thought alone, feel it...

Deep breath... take the next step.

"A person can never cross the same river twice, for with time they are never the same person and it is not the same younger river."

One of my favourties, can't remember where this came from, if anyone know please comment.

I say again...

Freedom can be defined as self determinism and self control.

A buddhist, a confucianist and a daoist walk into a heavily packed bar: buddhist says, ‘we’ll be one with the crowd until we reach the bar’, confucianist gets to work on a map while the daoist has flagged their mate at the bar who’s already ordering for them.

Forewarning: the following is unedited.

And the problem, as I see it, with facebook is that it always knew what it was..a representation of a slimeball's world view pretending to be a connection platform.

Someone quite sensible (I forget who) said "the opposite of addiction is connection". Think about it, AA doesn't work because of god, it works because people there look out for each other, open up and unburden themselves of their past offenses. Now if you believe in god, I assume it's assumed god is working good deeds through them or attribute that to the people and say god's goodness simply shows in them (humans being mere representations of his awesome power). [Sorry I'm in a foul mood].

So facebook knows that in order to feel like people in this increasingly populated world who often cluster due to sensible things like where rent is affordable (rather than building near people they like) feel the need to connect with others, most easily achieved online. I don't know why myspace stopped getting users and facebook took off, frankly unless its illegal I don't care right now.

People who seek connection online will often forgo sensible things like being able to see a face (know that it belongs to the person speaking) and make a decision about what's happening based on an array of micro expressions which most of the time we're almost entirely unaware that we're interpreting, or like having an unconscious count of how long you've been in the room with someone .. okay so the human element's out. But as they say, 'all the love you have is in your mind' and you can feel that through a screen so there's something people seek anyway. Particularly people on the fringes (by law of averages fringe hobbyists etc. will be fewer, further between), and since most people have a few fringe interests (some of mine are peculiar film, wood carving techniques, court room debates & discussions, the board game Go) there's something that most people will want to find alongside people they hopefully want to get to know. This makes it easy to find those people, the behaviour is characteristic. Facebook runs all kinds of analytics to this end of seeking key types, you'll see some of this in the news over the last four years as well as the facebook ceo saying 'lying is bad' with an expression of 'we all know my hand is in the cookie jar, I'm just gonna take it out slow and hope I don't have to pay for this.. again'.

Connection, yeah? Also, external/internal validation and self-image reinforcement because, yeah the mind is kind of silly and full of things that mirror and internalise the external conditions of worth and so forth. So when people need, not want, to connect in situations more like AA but without a group to go to they'll look to people networks (things like insta, tiktok being more for the flicking addiction than connecting, usually). Facebook seems partly so popular because of the flicking addiction.. and there's the first thread of real problem for me. Addictions will transfer, quit coffee for a week and your need to chew the top of your pencil will get as bad (or close to) the need for a fucking coffee (sorry I need more coffee brb).... Say you're trying to quit smoking, when you're waiting for something and would've smoked but- fingers want to do things, grab the phone and flick on fb for a while, first time it's probably easy to distract yourself but as the cravings get worse it's going to take more flicking. It's designed to work this way.

Next up, we all know what it's like. You don't post a status saying 'it's raining and my head hurts and life just sucks today' (unless you're seeking pity / comfort and your people are okay with it being done that way or haven't challenged yet), you post a picture when you've cooked a fucking awesome meal.. after it's raining and everything's grey. People looking at it might feel like they just got home and their day has been shit and you have an awesome meal and that sucks for them. We know this pattern, fomo, jealousy, schadenfreude etc. Some of the people we're talking about will internalise these feelings, if not the first time then the hundred first etc. and because there's no human element it's very easy to be a whole lot harder on yourself than the other person would actually be, and even to put your negative feelings on the person who's just pleased they've made good food when they felt crap. This stuff spirals on fb, there's only the context that people actively give (in person people accidentally give off so many cues, micro expressions again), fb has nothing to counter this pattern (myspace had multiple sections as well as status, twitter has trending etc).

And there's the games. Oh we've all seen by now the late nights and documentaries or even the South Park episode on them. Analytics and games work together and that whole structure of the industry got a huge leg up from facebook. They've killed and ruined people. Real people. Enough on that one, we can all see how addiction can transfer that way.

Lastly (that I can think of right now as I'm ranting) there's the fucked up version of connection that facebook inspires. I've long heard and understood the necessity of the human networks that form on facebook. Hell, I only had a sofa this christmas because someone went on facebook and found a free sofa. And these networks are vital but they are made of the people not the platform.

Apple stays on top partly because the products are designed to work differently and there's a learning curve to switching brands.. it makes people feel stupid.. they name their shops genius bars.. it's crude but effective. Facebook do something similar by keeping people in fb messenger, event manager etc you can send a message to anyone within the fb network, no one outside but it's free and takes like 30 seconds to sign up.. and now people are adding you on fb, suggesting events and suddenly we only want messengers outside of it if they're encoded to hide the porn and weed and there's no need for musicians & bands etc to make their own site when fb host a page (that you can pay to promote, so long as you keep paying) and youtube's always there as a back up. Once you're in it.. You know old phone trees? They were about the people involved.. fb??

My point is connection isn't meant to be the driving power for advertising, analytics and a whole lot slimier stuff.. it's a very fucking necessary part of being human.. if someone supports you so that you give them all your money in the will, well there's either an abuse or an understanding there. I don't think vulnerable people are understanding these things about facebook.

You know, I can't not.. I just..
the following thing sucks
Facebook is soul sucking. And.. I have no evidence, this is personal experience, helpful as an anecdote.. I once found a child being auctioned and they wouldn't take the page down for something like three days.. as far as I could tell the child was sold. Facebook is soul sucking and fucking evil and 'lying is bad'.

The problem, as I see it, with the advertising industry is that it doesn't take into account what it is. It's verbal and visual communication designed to effect the behaviour of the recipient: manipulation.

Context: you know, when you've had a long day and someone you love asks you a simple  request (e.g. to make a coffee) and you really don't want to but do it anyway because.. thay have a hot coffee, well that's a pretty awesome feeling. And when you've had a long day and someone who's been pissing you off asks you a simple request that's only going to take a minute but you don't want to and you do it anyway because.. they have the hot coffee, well that's a more sour experience.

Advertising is taking the human element out of this but the human mind is.. simple, it retains emotional context from similar past experience even when the real context is vastly different (you can be getting on a plane to Africa or coldest Russia, the bits of you that don't have eyes and ears only know you're on a plane). And you, I, everyone responds this way somewhere in their thoughts (get a really good body-high sometime ;) you'll know what I mean).

Between people there's ways to ask for a coffee after a long day ('I love you' helps) without being rude and there's ways to just pester to get what you want ('Oh plleeeeeaasseeee!' comes to mind) and depending on the circumstances we balance our relationships and requests with, you know, just how long that day has been and if they owe you one etc. We know advertising, because it's pre-recorded, takes the human side out and a lot of the situational things with it.. it's more akin to leaving a voicemail asking for coffee after a long day (long day being analogy for the tired way people view ads).

So people writing ads are people having probably quite long days and trying to make something their bosses & clients think will sell, and the bosses or clients are trying to get business because they've probably got bosses or rent to pay soon and bills due sometime and all the human and situational stuff's already out. So it makes a kind of sense that we end up with 'We buy many cars! Buy cars! YABBADOO!! And Apples, they make you happy!!'

But even if it makes sense... it's been a really long day and I'm tired of being pestered at.

Reasons why understanding is helpful #2,398,776,764,587,498,398,475,487









Good luck for the new year folks