Overheard: "Hola, ja. Danke schön, danke. Si très bien. Tschüss." Love it when languages blend.

 We each do what we can do as we do it. What more could we ask of ourselves. Peace.

 I've been trying to place a sensation, name an understanding into words.

Bea passed a couple of weeks ago. So did Little Pulsar Man.

I miss them both, more than words can express.  This was Bea's pick for last song and my sister's, Pulsar never needed words to express - I will keep reading his favourite books to his favourite animals.

 

I didn't visit Bea because I was scared, hurt, looking after Little Man and most I didn't know if I could forgive the bullshit she's pulled over the years. The relationships lost, harmed and broken because of how she pushed people beyond their limits. Not sure I could forgive when she pushed me beyond what I truly felt comfortable taking. It was hard, I was young and unsure. I have grown and changed since then and perhaps I've learnt how to encourage without pushing, maybe there's a way to be more. To help without changing, beyond the observation, the person that you're helping. Turns out I felt the sadness regardless of forgiveness or not. Love her anyway, love that she taught me to believe I was okay whatever anyone was saying. This was her greatest and worst flaw.

 

I think the task of forgiving in true form is both harder to do than anyone expects and once done is so clean and free that it almost seems like it was easy, like there could have always been forgiveness where there was hurt before.

It takes a fraction of a second to open yourself to others, even those who've harmed you and it's a lifetime of seeing everything through to have those feelings open back up to you. To quote the Verve, all the love I have is in my mind.

 Best film this year? Well I saw Space Sweepers last year so: Alice Junior <3

 A light hearted romp through some of the minor horrors of existing while keeping yourself in a frame of mind worth working with.
 

Wisdom, relationships (familial and friendship), perseverance and kick ass sparkles. Just what you need at 5am on a Monday ;)

Sad news. Rest my love because you shone forever.

 

 Do you think humans ever really stepped out of the caves? Did we just build them up around ourselves so that we don't feel part of a big wide scary world?

 Our expectations are set through our experiences.

If we see people on tv who are older not adapting or refusing to adapt to things like critical race theory.. we don't baulk at it so much when we see it in the wide world. So watch things like The Chair and give your neuroplastic mind some good expectations.

Keeping me breathing this week while I come off painkillers.

edit to add: sometimes when Trevor Noah speaks I hear Leeds and miss the trees, I loved living near Roundhay.

 Really missed the Daily Show :)

 Hello.

Oh it's been a little while since I've posted here. Hmm, well I guess it's been a little while since I posted anything anywhere.

This world is so full of distractions and stuff happening that I forget sometimes that I am a person who others like to hear from too. It's easily possible to subsume yourself in what you're doing to the point of loss of self awareness.

So what's been happening over in this neck of the woods? Well, I got in touch with some estranged family (funny that.. story for later). My docs gave me meds (a dozen a month, rather than a couple) and I'm starting to get on top of the symptoms of my disability. Haven't fallen over and seized in.. oh a couple of days! My brain is so fried that I spent two days in a small bright room trying to work out if I should be alive or if the world and myself would be better with me gone. I starved for a while because I could only afford food for either myself or my pets, I chose the pets. I meditated. I dreamed. I thought of JRL and activists that I've known. I listened with a pit in my stomach to people tell me they'd spent hundreds of pounds on gadgets while I starved, I bit my tongue. I received love and hugs from people I care about. I shared a smile with as many people as I met, real smiles of wonder and joy that they are people who are alive in the world. I learnt of another new grown aspect in myself - a sense of wonder and creation, in writing, in action and in life. I made five new holes in my hands in a day. I looked at open wounds and saw flesh, bleeding, knitting and healing through time and change. Oh and I caught up on the late nights, Amber is amazing*, Sam is a **messy wonderful and I'd really missed the Daily Show - Noah's eyes shine from deep within, it's also pretty amazing.

*Amber: and can make the worst things to hear somehow consciously okay and understood, even when it's still really not an okay thing.

** Sam: in the best ways, weird is wonderful and people who overcome anxiety are in my eyes as impressive as people who overcome their blindness by learning to use a cane.

So that's been my week.

Hope any readers out there have had as interesting a week. Good luck people.

 To be truly vulnerable a person must be incredibly strong.

So if you want to be either, practice both.

 Happy 2021 and solar flare cycle 25 you guys hehehehehe *goes away to enjoy the data*

 When I was very young my nose was broken in an accident which is long forgiven. I was about 4 yrs old and it turns out that it's been a very broken nose ever since. A couple of years ago I heard that a bad break when young can leave people not able to breathe while eating and drinking. And I was like: wait, people can breathe and eat food? What? That's not a thing humans can.. oh. Then a year or so later I was in the hospital for another thing, they put a scope down my nose and I was like ow, a lot of ow. But I'm used to ow, so the poor doctor was like uh, now I have to take the scope out.. and it broke my nose again.

All of a sudden I could smell the hospital's disinfectant! Also ow for a week or so. And now I'm learning to breathe (through one side) while eating and oh my god I can neck more than a half pint in one go because I'm not having to hold my breath! And the air is.. oh it's sweet and it's electric when there's a storm coming and I can smell it!! So now I need to go back to the doctors and say, hey can you break my nose please, and while you're at it can you pop my jaw and shoulders back into place too because I'm sure the jaw's broken, pretty sure the shoulders have dislocated and is there anything you can do about the dents in my skull, ribs and wonky toes..? Because I fall over far too much.

lol punk life

             Ignorance is merciless.

Willful ignorance is willful mercilessness.

and remember the deep calm of the universe is excitation