Tuesday 31 January 2017

A happy morning, Roman Neimann
Okay, this is a stoner ramble:

It's like when the brits moved over to america they decided that in breaking with the past they would leave behind the stuffiness of the old world, and somehow that's passed down to the present generation in a manner that conveys through action not awareness (kids, generational slant etc) that emotion should never be tempered (reality has impact there obs) and nothing should be done but by the natural emotional response to the senario.. gah not wording.. Like security guards and the people at airports that tell you to strip, they have notorious reputations for being dicks (so naturally the job will seem appealing to people who fear-they-have/like-to-have a reputation for that sort of thing.. not many but if there's enough perpetuate that myth through a few cycles of popular culture, well things have a way of crystallising in the mass-consciousness of american pop culture.. which again might be, maybe, you never know in this wide world, an entirely unaware push away from the archaic method of population control by stiffling stories (news etc) that's been alive and well in the uk for time immemorial. My point is, american get a lot of flak for being wild and colourful.... look where the founders came from... I'm just saying, it's raining again here.

Cultures can't be a person or an idea. By virtue of what humanity is and how time and life happen, there's a tapestry of wonderful stuff that's far too vast to ever follow. (Governments try, it's sort-of their job not really but I can forgive them getting confused that way). Maybe if we look at where we come from and wonder (not questioning, just wondering) how we got here, maybe we can learn something. I've been fascinated by the US for a long time because I look over the pond and see examples of things we do wrong. That's why a global culture will work. Culture is massive. And diversity makes us stronger.
So by now if you've been reading these you probably know that I'm into cheesy sci-fi ontv. My real love is hard science sci-fi but when has anyone had the guts to make a tv show like Dragon's Egg or something... (point to note, the Good Reads synopsis will likely ruin that book for you)... The Expanse is probably the hardest it gets and even then there's some wibbly-wobbly-spacey stuff going on - not that I mind the wobble, planning a cinema-style viewing party for the start of season two!

Last month a young person said she didn't like sci-fi or fantasy ("although sometimes fantasy can be cool"). I figure that's reasonable for a person under the age of 20 considering that most works of the genre(s) have a tendency to focus on social-political change or upheaval.

Star Trek Enterprise, 121 Detained: "Captain Archer and Mayweather are investigating a strange energy reading from the other side of a moon. The next moment they find themselves in a complex inhabited by Suliban. The Suliban are kept against their will by the Tandarans, who are at war with the Cabal, a Suliban terrorist organization." And I don't know shit about shit but... there's a feel to the first half of this episode that's really smacking home today. The Suliban home world has been gone hundreds of years so they're all refugees, cabal and civilian alike. To describe this (where they're being held before trial) place to the humans the captain refers to Manzanar .... all cabal are Suliban, are all Suliban cabal?

In this form racism really is like an I.Q. test.

The bit that caught my eye is a scene short enough that I've typed it up below. As an interesting meta part of the exchange, the first character (A) is a black north-american man who's probably never experienced racism and almost certainly never suffered personally from it; the second (B) is an innocent guy who has lost people because of anti-terrorism bullshit and was imprisoned eight years ago like anyone of his species caught (or born and raised) in this territory.

Mess hall, simple two character exchange: line break = character change (action/visual)
a:   "Writing a letter?" (walks up, friendly)
b:     "It's a journal." (head over his book on the table, bothered)
a:   "Could be valuable some day." (sits, friendly) "People will want to know what happened here." (pity/condescension)
b:     "I doubt anyone will ever read this." (weary)
a:   "Then why are you writing it?" (apologetic/confused)
b:     "Why do you care?" (frustrated/angry)
a:   (surprised/worried)
b:     "I see how you look at us, Suliban terrify you," (leans over table)
a:   (sits back)
b:     "You wouldn't be surprised if I slithered up this wall," (angry)
a:   (righteously pissed off at being underestimated (maybe, I think))
b:     "or turned my face inside out. Cabal - Suliban, it's all the same to you." (bitter/angry)
a:   "That's not true." (determined, sparking eyes (hey, it's Star Trek what do you expect))
b:      (hard look, walks away)
a:   (resigned/determined - planning to break everyone out)

There are a couple of complex expressions that I'm trying to pick apart here and overlay with typical behaviour patterns that I've seen in action, in rl. Firstly that pity/condescension - it's vulnerable maybe.. reaching for a greater awareness of something [A] knows little about, a desire to learn.. in this instance the character says "people will want to know" he wants to know.. but in life this open-seeking often leads to abuse [as above, typically for good reasons even if that (sticking up for self) reaction has a knock-on bad effect] therefore people tend to do it in more controlled circumstances (i.e. going to planned talks and discussions, google) where they're likely to meet others prepared to debate or educate on the topic. But on the occasions of this happening raw.. [A] in that situation could come out the encounter stronger and with a greater understanding of why they upset [B] but equally as likely in the opposite extreme they could develop a resentment that forms gradually into racism. While at the same time [B above] could have been writing/thinking about anything and at the point that they're interrupted and pressed-upon for conversation could have been tired of the whole struggle, for all we know in that moment standing up and shouting at this present example of the injustice could have been the only route left for a tortured mind.. or something less dramatic (though, Star Trek!!!!) [i really hope you/reader somehow saw the jazz hands there] [This next bit is probably nonsense: italics are to show emphasis in the actor's voice, it's well-timed. A person in that situation and reacting in that way is likely (what would for me be) hitting dual-high, white rage or red rage, before subsiding to a centre-low balance.] That hard look at the end is the next complex expression that I'd like to analyse.. not sure I understand it yet though... Can anyone get a read on that?

gah: it hasn't escaped my notice that mindfulness and yoga are often discussed in the same breath... the more I look at this as a potentially causal relationship the more I see a loop, posture effecting mood effecting posture.. right to holding the head up.  Also I really fucked up my neck again last night :(

Head's up, minor dose of reflecting on shit below.. Thanks for reading :P
(though still not the means of protest, will get around to that soon.. this still bc it's kinda the big issue right now for humans on this poor planet were all a bit too preoccupied by dying and living to care for..)

Saturday 28 January 2017

The simplest things can be magic to the unexpectant eye.

Thursday 26 January 2017

Means of protest:

The way I figure it humans have only been working as a species (sort of, in places) for thirty or fourty years. Before that various contries had agreements, pacts, deals etc.. but as a global society.. well that's only really since the internet (which is younger than me!)

We've had wars (are having wars) over how we handle ourselves, but mostly (from what I see of history) they've been comportion - desperation, of knowing that others don't conform to the same standards and expect some of those standards from everyone around them. Over time this has shifted and we've seen the dictators and leaders that we can agree didn't really believe their own standards but pushed them on others none the less (another dumb example; Trump gave to pro-choice charities until it became a problem for him running as president, now he's espousing pro-life ideals.. or better, Hitler probably didn't agree with everything he and his party were pushing) as a global society we fear seeing that sort of thing again. That's why this american election has so many people watching, because there are massive implications to the kind of leader-based machinations that are going on.

And I can't help but feel that at some point, these leaders have said, "Well, what are they going to do about it?" It's one of those Warning phrases - it's possible to say it innocently but fairly fucking rare.

I find it facinating how each country (each collection of personalities involved in leading) dealt with Hitler, I get a real sense that (GB, certainly) had the same kind of 'uhhm's, and 'oh fuck's that I had when told that I needed to be a witness in court against a pedophile... "Really? What? Seriously? People do that knowingly?" and then the waiting, to see if it's true and if anything else needs be done. And the funny thing is, because of the person I am and the places my parents were and the nature of the decision (with the advise of a cop I trusted) I pretty much navigated that one alone.. kinda one of the first truly instrumental events of my life. Do you, when given a chance to hold someone to account, give or take - push or pull?

I've said a couple of times that court fucked me up worse than the fucker who got me there. That's not actually true, but it did push me into making a decision that would effectively change another person's entire life based on my own sense of morality at a time when I was still told to pray at the end of class (fucking catholics, sorry I'll stop shouting about that sometime..). I was younger than my neice is now, and (as I write this) I'm beginning to realise that choice is probably what I've been struggling with the longest. I took childish vengeful pleasure for years in the thought that he was probably hurt by that decision, then spent years regretting that schadenfreude and wondering if it's possible to actually be a 'good' person all the way through, before realising that's one of life's great mysteries: even the most enigmatically kind people I have known have the same darkness in their souls, probably different keys and triggers but we're all only human after all. How you direct energies...


Tbc... Sorry it swayed away from means of protest again.. I keep having realisations while writing (great stuff, bit distracting, eerie sense of deja vu). Thanks for reading anyway, g'night folks!



Tuesday 24 January 2017

The trick

In order to think positively ongoing (i.e. not be depressed) there needs to be a sub conscious drive towards that.

In those crunch moments (when it's not even necessarily known that you're making a big decision but somehow the weight of that moment pushes your momentum for time to come) all you need to do is tip that weight at both conscious and sub conscious levels simultaneously. Now if you put faith (which applies to different sectors of the mind equally and is unique to each person and situation) into the mix you can level off and balance sectors that are dipping to tip the overall momentum of the moment into one that is positive/active/motivated whatever [the missing bit of personal-drive in that moment]. Without faith in a higher power you need faith in something to push the weight... people find that in a wild abundance of ways, means and manners that are often a joy to witness; and usually things that become part of church / mosque / synagogue life - community, charity, conversation, music, connection.

So religion is a way to ~hardwire~ that faith, make it a pattern of behaviour that is familiar -
[neuro: as you use pathways in the brain they become stronger, like a muscle or a river]      - so if you regularly (every Sunday, Friday, sunset, whenever) act out a ritual - push yourself into a state of hope/faith/vulnerability (putting yourself out there and having a community support you) singing in a choir or walking [crawling so slowly*] toward the alter to receive a cracker and a blessing - whatever it is, religions are designed (in some aspects) to reinforce that positive balance.
 [Hard reality: There are also, by virtue of this pattern of faith and rewiring, some of the most disgusting manners of corruption within religion.]

Off topic: [*can you see the resentment for catholic church on 4 year old's sunday? I'd only had a thousand or so days, I didn't want to waste them in a smelly room where a guy acted like he knew what would come in my life and what was best for me (he was a nice priest) but fuck that shit! Also, Harvey! Because Crackers Don't Matter!] [and I've been writing fiction again, "I believe there are as many types of inteligence as there are people in the universe, and we each have our personal brand of stupid to go with it."]

But it's really quite easy to form a pattern that reinforces positive balance entirely seperate from religion. Dumb example each morning I spend about five minutes in the garden feeding and meeting the animals. When I have the opportunity it reminds me that my life, while being wholely insignificant in the grand scheme, impacts on everything around me - gives me scope and sets up the day.

Saturday 21 January 2017

Don't wait for people to change. We learn and we grow and somehow never really change.

Friday 20 January 2017

Migraines are coming back... It's a battle I'm determined to win.

Meanwhile here's something that inspired me today (thanks to myfavouritehuman) from Elizabeth Bear's blog:

You there.
New writer.
Freshly-published debut author.
Get off tumblr, stop worrying about what people think, and go write your next book.
Okay look, I'm not saying that one should not consider thoughtful criticism of one's work, or that one should isolate one's self from the community. I'm not saying that criticism has no value. I'm not saying be an inconsiderate asshole.
Don't be an inconsiderate asshole. Or try not to: we all fail that one sometimes, too. And not just to our mothers.
I'm saying that there are people out there who want to make you write their book for them, and that's impossible, because nobody can write their book except for them. So when they start reading as if they are measuring every single book against the perfect book in their head, well--they will never find it.
Because as all writers know, the only way to get that book--the book that speaks with your own voice--is to write it.
And then fail, because every book is a failure in some way, even if only its author knows it.
They're never quite perfect, our creations, because writing is too hard to do well.
Fail better next time. Let those other people write their own books.
If you haven't written a book yet, but nobody else is writing the books that say what you want said, well, you have exactly one option. And it's the same place every single published author started out, at one time or another.
There are no shortcuts. Use your voice.
So stop kicking yourself. Stop catering to someone else's ideal, and set your own. It'll probably still be unattainable, but it will be yours.
Stop trying to speak with somebody else's voice because that somebody told you your own voice was inadequate or uncommercial or wrong. Stop telling yourself that your work is garbage.  Stop telling yourself that nobody else wants to hear what you have to say. Accept that there are people who will hear you wrong, and that that's not your problem, and you get to have boundaries as an artist.
You get to have boundaries, even as an artist on the internet.
You have a voice. One voice.
It's your voice.
Your voice is important.
Use it.

Monday 16 January 2017

Okay, so I'm not special and everyone's a bit fucked up. And working on/through/out of past experience because when it comes down to it, that's what we have, we're moving through space and time so this life thing is rolling and we don't have any way to stop the ball. We're mortal and it's going to give anytime now or in the next few decades. And I can't possibly understand what death is until I get there - except I've seen it a few times now, and there is a flow / pattern that's familiar at this point. I think, maybe, I could recognise it for myself, when, so I don't think there's reason to worry about the inevitable 'end to this great day'. A more immediate draw is ... this. My actions here in this life are what I can do/change/control and there's no point in fighting life... haha! Enjoy!

Saturday 14 January 2017

I have really struggled, historically, with motivation.

     introspective psychology ramble, not happy, not really sad either....

Saturday 7 January 2017

Hey so.. I was just musing over the Daily Show (Ta Nahisi Coates... I would give a couple of small toes to be able to write and/or think like that guy.. he's so fucking cool), something reminded me of that bit I wrote a while ago about the faces people make when you're homeless.. and realised I've seen the reaction to that 'once or twice' because I gave that expression to a guy in my late teens; used to walk a couple of miles to work in the morning. Later I started setting out 10 minutes early so that he and I could have a smoke together, he was a decent dude. [random: love having gender neutral terms that once assumed gender.. bring on the future baby!]

On a different note entirely: that interview, and basically the whole pack of other Daily Show* interviews (some prior and since then) have been re-breaking my expectations of what a comedy show conversation about promoting a book/film/etc, can become.. granted some of the people that he's discussing ~zeitgeist with are Presidents but... there are some really interesting topics coming up, moreover in truly interesting ways. Probably a dumb example; when Obama uh'd and hmm'd and re-framed a question, or (granted this one isn't Daily Show, though most of these faces have been there too) Noah: "..it would be just as hard for me to go into a conservative space and have these conversations, right?" [add: or a beautifully crude and subtle Lydic line; "..I mean, my son could [fix it] but no one listens to him because of his huge penis."]
 * Daily Show has always done this to my knowledge; [in the years I've been watching] Stewart, Oliver and Noah have each pushed boundaries and inspired further debate between viewers.. they've had really good run lately though  (..nothing's perfect and some jokes fall flat for me or ideals aren't in line with my opinions.. uh, tbh, I love that bc it wouldn't be our crazy world if we all thought alike). Also worth noting (I don't talk about it as much but) the comedy beforehand has been wonderful too.

Another aside: the pigeons know what's up. They tell you when their hungry - sometimes by clinging to the ledge of the window, hooting and flapping at you. A new bird started coming around yesterday, his eyes are almost black which I'm fairly sure is a sign of malnourishment, it's good to see him around again today. Squirrel pair come up for food right away now though they still flip their tails at me, which I find endlessly amusing and fluffy.

This one went a bit wild, no real topic of discussion... (ha.. I just read past the "play on words" in Thief of Time..) so if you got here, thanks for reading anyway.

Tuesday 3 January 2017

Shit hapens and there's always some drama at a gathering of many intoxicated people... My key lesson for the new year:
                    communication (and occationally a small dose of forgiveness) smooths just about everything

Monday 2 January 2017

                            Happy new year!!
                            ..more coffee, still hungover..


Shel Silverstein
Listen to the MUSTN'TS, child,
      Listen to the DON'TS
      Listen to the SHOULDN'TS
The IMPOSSIBLES, the WONT'S
      Listen to the NEVER HAVES
Then listen close to me -
      Anything can happen, child,
ANYTHING can be

]