Don't know what I'm doing here.. be warned this is about to be free flowing nonsense..



Six nights a week I sleep on the sofa in positions that make my back cramp up every morning, with the lights on and the computer playing quietly through a folder of old sci fi shows. Usually cold and often waking many times in the night. I sleep on average six hours and consider it lucky if I get woken in the morning by the cat trying to climb in with me. I habitually don't eat, forget and remind myself to forget, if my friends are working it's not-uncommon to have 18-25hr lapses without food. Subsist on caffeine. Think about nothing, or everything, but definitely not real things. Because real things are tiresome and mundane and I'm bored again. Shit. 3 got bored. I am crap at this balance thing.

We exist in a state of flux. Time and change and motion. Cogito.. the world is and we can expect that it will be tomorrow unless something happens in the meantime.

I don't care for myself - quite dislike her actually (when thinking from a 3rd person perspective) doe-eyed and watching the world with blinkers on.. and that's just a shade for the machinations that happen when she's paying attention, so... yeah she ain't great. Patient, compassionate and non-judgemental (but those are just by-products of my personality and head-fuck so..) sure whatever, dime a dozen. If I hate myself hard enough then I can't expect myself to achieve anything great even on a personal level. And what's not to hate.. I'm too skinny and yutghj have a face people look at too much, talk to too readily and want to connect with... people are attracted to me (as people, regardless of sex or preference) and I can't handle that because if they let me in I'll break them on a bad day. Or I'll care, I will love them, I really will and then one day I just won't and it's not my choice but it'll probably happen because I'm.. not a very good person.. How do you overcome not trusting yourself?

People are messy. We happen by accident or coincidence most of the time, and we grow around everything that happens to us in the manner we choose to at the time and if we don't want to do it that way later well then it's too fucking late to change the past because [people] did that, and it makes us messier as we go. I ran away from everyone for so long. I've spent the last few years finding my way through the noise silently. Oh damn that won't make any sense without the 3d grid reference those words have in my mind.. I mean something like; I've spent 5 years waiting for the beat to drop, opening my mouth and sticking out my tongue to catch rain, I'm waiting and feeling for the cycles of events and hoping that if I understand something about the nature of physical reality then maybe I could understand something about the nature of the human mind, something that explains all the hate that people give away before giving to themselves. I don't understand people. So I hold my breath and observe, jump in and float to the surface, let my mind spin until I find a catch point that works.

But the {arrogance} world is my burden, live in / am part of it, if I can't help to fix it then what good am I?

I've searched religions for something solid, reliable to my mind. Dao has some really good points, Buddhism's got great chants, Catholics, well everyone knows how I feel about catholics (fucking enforced prayers twice a day). I came across a glimpse of something in researching Standing Rock, 'we are caretakers'. What an idea. That's solid. We're the most cognitively developed animals around, why aren't we looking after the little ones to the best of our ability? And I'm not just talking about animals here... I have this strange experience quite frequently, I'm smart-ish (not a fucking genius but work with what you've got) but when I have a migraine flaring up I'm a fucking dumbass...! Can't hold thoughts, definitely not speculating on anything, can't stand up half the time, can't eat, can't do much of anything but get in the way and get bodily manoeuvred to a sitting position. It's humbling. I can't be me normally and watch.. e.g. someone falls over, help them up. Experience more than anything gives perspective. I don't need to fall on my ass after hip surgery to know that's painful, because I've fallen on my ass when I couldn't get back up unaided and been unaided, it just sucks. For any community to flourish (not booms and crashes, ground up flourish) there has to be weight taken from the bottom and redistributed bearably. We have the extended childhoods that promote emotional awareness, we have knowledge to provide a plethora of education, we have ..maybe not figured out how to manage ourselves completely.. but we can damn well give it a go.. surely just trying gets us somewhere.

And also, I should stop beating myself up and do something constructive. Thanks for being here :)