We (humans) seem to have this concept that time is somehow separate from the matter of things. Einstein's space time exemplifies that each time a new person tries to grapple their head around the idea that space and time are intrinsically linked. I think maybe Einstein struggled just like the rest of us with this idea, only he was trying to explain it to others too! Much harder work. I think maybe in that he didn't go quite far enough with the weird stuff that makes your head tilt and brain matter overused starts sliding out for a quick pint. It seems to me (and I'm no physicist, fuck I barely understand the basics of the maths behind this stuff) that time and motion and space are intrinsically linked. Those little motions of the clouds, the ways the water runs, how the nerve impulses shoot just before you think to.. it's not random, it's just that we can't predict it because we're on a differing scale. What if the reason that micro and macro look so similar (almost)*see space / neuron pics from before* and behave so similarly (almost) is because they are so similar but influenced by something fundamentally differently.. the way that rain washes over my skin and washes a bug out of the sky. (That's horrible, sorry, I love bugs I wish that they weren't so tiny and fragile). So then if time is something, not a concept but something with physical influence (we kinda know it is but bear with me..) how do we gauge for something that is part of what makes us able to gauge because it's things happening.. boom pa.pa .. what if .. what if.. what if I jack my whole life in and go get a degree in (& hopefully some understanding of..) theoretical physics?

Hmm, what if someone develops brain-download tech and we can all understand everything!! There's weight for a short story there, a comedy of errors in which everyone understands everything while confusing all the human element, then some old bot (I'm thinking an Asimov class, that one about Mercury) that was once long ago taught to understand emotions, teaches the world to communicate again .. really communicate on an animalistic level. It's been written before, but then so have all the good ones. Recycle, re-use, recreate the world around us.

Anyway... blah... physics ideas on a hangover Sunday. Heelllo and good morning!

        ~stumbles off in search of coffee and fry up~

 Overheard: "Hola, ja. Danke schön, danke. Si très bien. Tschüss." Love it when languages blend.

 We each do what we can do as we do it. What more could we ask of ourselves. Peace.

 I've been trying to place a sensation, name an understanding into words.

Bea passed a couple of weeks ago. So did Little Pulsar Man.

I miss them both, more than words can express.  This was Bea's pick for last song and my sister's, Pulsar never needed words to express - I will keep reading his favourite books to his favourite animals.

 

I didn't visit Bea because I was scared, hurt, looking after Little Man and most I didn't know if I could forgive the bullshit she's pulled over the years. The relationships lost, harmed and broken because of how she pushed people beyond their limits. Not sure I could forgive when she pushed me beyond what I truly felt comfortable taking. It was hard, I was young and unsure. I have grown and changed since then and perhaps I've learnt how to encourage without pushing, maybe there's a way to be more. To help without changing, beyond the observation, the person that you're helping. Turns out I felt the sadness regardless of forgiveness or not. Love her anyway, love that she taught me to believe I was okay whatever anyone was saying. This was her greatest and worst flaw.

 

I think the task of forgiving in true form is both harder to do than anyone expects and once done is so clean and free that it almost seems like it was easy, like there could have always been forgiveness where there was hurt before.

It takes a fraction of a second to open yourself to others, even those who've harmed you and it's a lifetime of seeing everything through to have those feelings open back up to you. To quote the Verve, all the love I have is in my mind.

 Best film this year? Well I saw Space Sweepers last year so: Alice Junior <3

 A light hearted romp through some of the minor horrors of existing while keeping yourself in a frame of mind worth working with.
 

Wisdom, relationships (familial and friendship), perseverance and kick ass sparkles. Just what you need at 5am on a Monday ;)

Sad news. Rest my love because you shone forever.

 

 Do you think humans ever really stepped out of the caves? Did we just build them up around ourselves so that we don't feel part of a big wide scary world?

 Our expectations are set through our experiences.

If we see people on tv who are older not adapting or refusing to adapt to things like critical race theory.. we don't baulk at it so much when we see it in the wide world. So watch things like The Chair and give your neuroplastic mind some good expectations.

Keeping me breathing this week while I come off painkillers.

edit to add: sometimes when Trevor Noah speaks I hear Leeds and miss the trees, I loved living near Roundhay.

 Really missed the Daily Show :)

 Hello.

Oh it's been a little while since I've posted here. Hmm, well I guess it's been a little while since I posted anything anywhere.

This world is so full of distractions and stuff happening that I forget sometimes that I am a person who others like to hear from too. It's easily possible to subsume yourself in what you're doing to the point of loss of self awareness.

So what's been happening over in this neck of the woods? Well, I got in touch with some estranged family (funny that.. story for later). My docs gave me meds (a dozen a month, rather than a couple) and I'm starting to get on top of the symptoms of my disability. Haven't fallen over and seized in.. oh a couple of days! My brain is so fried that I spent two days in a small bright room trying to work out if I should be alive or if the world and myself would be better with me gone. I starved for a while because I could only afford food for either myself or my pets, I chose the pets. I meditated. I dreamed. I thought of JRL and activists that I've known. I listened with a pit in my stomach to people tell me they'd spent hundreds of pounds on gadgets while I starved, I bit my tongue. I received love and hugs from people I care about. I shared a smile with as many people as I met, real smiles of wonder and joy that they are people who are alive in the world. I learnt of another new grown aspect in myself - a sense of wonder and creation, in writing, in action and in life. I made five new holes in my hands in a day. I looked at open wounds and saw flesh, bleeding, knitting and healing through time and change. Oh and I caught up on the late nights, Amber is amazing*, Sam is a **messy wonderful and I'd really missed the Daily Show - Noah's eyes shine from deep within, it's also pretty amazing.

*Amber: and can make the worst things to hear somehow consciously okay and understood, even when it's still really not an okay thing.

** Sam: in the best ways, weird is wonderful and people who overcome anxiety are in my eyes as impressive as people who overcome their blindness by learning to use a cane.

So that's been my week.

Hope any readers out there have had as interesting a week. Good luck people.

 To be truly vulnerable a person must be incredibly strong.

So if you want to be either, practice both.

 Happy 2021 and solar flare cycle 25 you guys hehehehehe *goes away to enjoy the data*

 When I was very young my nose was broken in an accident which is long forgiven. I was about 4 yrs old and it turns out that it's been a very broken nose ever since. A couple of years ago I heard that a bad break when young can leave people not able to breathe while eating and drinking. And I was like: wait, people can breathe and eat food? What? That's not a thing humans can.. oh. Then a year or so later I was in the hospital for another thing, they put a scope down my nose and I was like ow, a lot of ow. But I'm used to ow, so the poor doctor was like uh, now I have to take the scope out.. and it broke my nose again.

All of a sudden I could smell the hospital's disinfectant! Also ow for a week or so. And now I'm learning to breathe (through one side) while eating and oh my god I can neck more than a half pint in one go because I'm not having to hold my breath! And the air is.. oh it's sweet and it's electric when there's a storm coming and I can smell it!! So now I need to go back to the doctors and say, hey can you break my nose please, and while you're at it can you pop my jaw and shoulders back into place too because I'm sure the jaw's broken, pretty sure the shoulders have dislocated and is there anything you can do about the dents in my skull, ribs and wonky toes..? Because I fall over far too much.

lol punk life

             Ignorance is merciless.

Willful ignorance is willful mercilessness.

and remember the deep calm of the universe is excitation

 Sometimes I can't move. My friend got me a cane recently so I can walk to the shops while ill. I know a lot of people struggle adjusting to life with a cane and I can't say it's been pretty the whole time but I can't deny how much easier this beauty makes my life.

I'm afraid to be seen in my epilepsy helmet. There said it, kinda. The cane I can get my head around but the helmet. . oh I'm having a hard time with that one. I don't need it most of the time, I tell myself, and avoid wearing it then smash my head into the fridge or just feel it swelling like a blood blister pressed against whatever pillow made of razor wire was available. Oh man, I'm getting all caught up in the shit end of the stick again - for anyone who might actually read this just ignore me for a minute - When you can't move. . well you can't move there's not much to do about it, you just lay there and the passing out comes around soon enough, and when you wake up you work out how many days you lost to the passing out. When I go from having the cane around to needing the cane handy I know I'll need the helmet sometime soon, that bit sucks bc the confusion and forgetfulness haven't really kicked in so much as to make you forget the fundamental truths of your body, yet, so you're totally, hmm, nope somewhat kinda a bit, [uh, got it!] differing partial degrees aware of how much it's going to suck before you get to the down and out of it stage. The bit where it takes a few days swelling into that blood blister.

 

Right ignore that all. So the cane made it possible for me to go to the supermarket in the 40 minutes before it closed. Usually I wouldn't even attempt this: ignoring that I'd be in a puddle on the floor if I did, I wouldn't be able to get there in time to get around the shop or get myself home. I've tried that and ended up sat with bags (fewer than I needed) around me in the street calling my friend in tears while convulsing, not pretty, happened again recently. The aftermath of doing that is 12+ hours of pain followed by days of 'you overdid and fucked yourself' pain and inability in achingly long waves (or screaming at the top of your lungs long fucking waves, you know, as they come). But I did actually go to the shop last night, in 40 minutes. Even if if means I'm in pain this morning, I did physically manage it and the pain is.. well it's bad but it's bearable for the sake of having what I needed last night.

This all sucks doesn't it. Well, anyway, this is why I have that mantra. Which helps me get up, with more than just my legs in tow.

Sometimes, it's easier to get caught up and forget how much I'm ill, to keep trying to live with my standards from before, like I only need 5hrs sleep a night, it stops working if you do it all the fucking time, or I can get by on a biscuit and some coffee if I don't have food money this week so long as I'm presentable at the job interview what does it matter anyway, and then I don't eat for days and I fall over so much harder when I'm ill now than I did then. Being present is about more than surroundings.

I'm used to my life, I know how to get around when my eyes don't work, I feel the way ahead of me and every so often the cats have come through and moved the rugs up, if I trip my instinct takes over and my body reacts - often, because I know the place I can catch myself and (not to brag or anything but..) I have the experience and I fall like a pro. There's that moment when you're falling that you can feel gravity catching you and tugging you in. Can get it in cars too on the hills or bumps. I love that feeling. It's like, there's space around you, it forms into bubble and for a second you're not a person on the earth so much as a person-object adjacent to a bigger than you can imagine mass moving very, so fast you basically can't imagine that either and you're suddenly and for just a fraction of a second part of more than a person-object is usually aware of.

When your body does something it can't handle your nerves flare off a pain signal, you can either stop doing the thing or usually the pain gets worse. If the thing is out of your control to stop and the pain keeps getting worse the body starts producing chemicals that make the pain bearable. I call these sparkles usually bc by that point 'words' are not real things. These are, hmm, not drugs in the traditional sense (well... ... ... don't go down that rabbit hole) but it is some of the same chemicals and I've met some people who've described much more fun versions of some of my experiences. Usually falling over a lot is, uh, frustrating. But with sparkles anything is funny, I once spent ten minutes giggling about the sensation of air in my lungs. I've done full slapstick routines while off my tits on pain, left my only audience member smiling a bit even if it was only at how funny I found the show. I've spent long unbearable journeys snickering through the red behind my eyes to some comedy science show someone made years ago and is just as relevant to present day physics. The world is as fast as you perceive it to be.... well or it's a block universe but really that just makes no sense because then why does light move at the speed it does? Nah I think it's got to be a progression of motion, a change of matter (at a quantum rate and level as well as the largest macro) that is perceived as time we are familiar with which make space space-time because you can't have time without a space to be moved. or .as we perceive it, space without time's never ending progression, how would you continue to see if light wasn't moving? Time is what makes space perceivable, so now I just need to work out why the speed of light is that, because if it's as simple as the speed of motion of the universe I'll be very happy and eat some chocolate, and if not then I've got something to look forward to. Right, sorry, distracted by physics... anyway where was I??

 

Hmm, living :) pop music, don't click the link if you won't like it

What I'm saying is know, feel, work for flow. On a really low level I think we can feel if what we're doing is working for us.

And humans love to mess things up to learn more from it, so awareness that flow's evil twin of 'I'm right because..' is usually following creepily behind, watch for that one. Arrogance isn't attractive, or effective.

 

Deep breath, now take that next step.

mantra

 Okay, deep breath...

Gravity tells you which way in the world is up... keep breathing...

It feels like you need to fight but that's just your body heating up, work with it... deep breaths now and feel for your gut... you already know which is up...

Doesn't matter if your limbs feel like jelly, if you can feel them it's getting better... [if you can't feel them keep trying, keep breathing...] your gut's with you, you know which is up... deep breath...

Feel for the next steps... you know where up is, feel it, your gut is with you, feel it, your body can respond to thought alone, feel it...

Deep breath... take the next step.

"A person can never cross the same river twice, for with time they are never the same person and it is not the same younger river."

One of my favourties, can't remember where this came from, if anyone know please comment.

I say again...

Freedom can be defined as self determinism and self control.