Sometimes I can't move. My friend got me a cane recently so I can walk to the shops while ill. I know a lot of people struggle adjusting to life with a cane and I can't say it's been pretty the whole time but I can't deny how much easier this beauty makes my life.

I'm afraid to be seen in my epilepsy helmet. There said it, kinda. The cane I can get my head around but the helmet. . oh I'm having a hard time with that one. I don't need it most of the time, I tell myself, and avoid wearing it then smash my head into the fridge or just feel it swelling like a blood blister pressed against whatever pillow made of razor wire was available. Oh man, I'm getting all caught up in the shit end of the stick again - for anyone who might actually read this just ignore me for a minute - When you can't move. . well you can't move there's not much to do about it, you just lay there and the passing out comes around soon enough, and when you wake up you work out how many days you lost to the passing out. When I go from having the cane around to needing the cane handy I know I'll need the helmet sometime soon, that bit sucks bc the confusion and forgetfulness haven't really kicked in so much as to make you forget the fundamental truths of your body, yet, so you're totally, hmm, nope somewhat kinda a bit, [uh, got it!] differing partial degrees aware of how much it's going to suck before you get to the down and out of it stage. The bit where it takes a few days swelling into that blood blister.

 

Right ignore that all. So the cane made it possible for me to go to the supermarket in the 40 minutes before it closed. Usually I wouldn't even attempt this: ignoring that I'd be in a puddle on the floor if I did, I wouldn't be able to get there in time to get around the shop or get myself home. I've tried that and ended up sat with bags (fewer than I needed) around me in the street calling my friend in tears while convulsing, not pretty, happened again recently. The aftermath of doing that is 12+ hours of pain followed by days of 'you overdid and fucked yourself' pain and inability in achingly long waves (or screaming at the top of your lungs long fucking waves, you know, as they come). But I did actually go to the shop last night, in 40 minutes. Even if if means I'm in pain this morning, I did physically manage it and the pain is.. well it's bad but it's bearable for the sake of having what I needed last night.

This all sucks doesn't it. Well, anyway, this is why I have that mantra. Which helps me get up, with more than just my legs in tow.

Sometimes, it's easier to get caught up and forget how much I'm ill, to keep trying to live with my standards from before, like I only need 5hrs sleep a night, it stops working if you do it all the fucking time, or I can get by on a biscuit and some coffee if I don't have food money this week so long as I'm presentable at the job interview what does it matter anyway, and then I don't eat for days and I fall over so much harder when I'm ill now than I did then. Being present is about more than surroundings.

I'm used to my life, I know how to get around when my eyes don't work, I feel the way ahead of me and every so often the cats have come through and moved the rugs up, if I trip my instinct takes over and my body reacts - often, because I know the place I can catch myself and (not to brag or anything but..) I have the experience and I fall like a pro. There's that moment when you're falling that you can feel gravity catching you and tugging you in. Can get it in cars too on the hills or bumps. I love that feeling. It's like, there's space around you, it forms into bubble and for a second you're not a person on the earth so much as a person-object adjacent to a bigger than you can imagine mass moving very, so fast you basically can't imagine that either and you're suddenly and for just a fraction of a second part of more than a person-object is usually aware of.

When your body does something it can't handle your nerves flare off a pain signal, you can either stop doing the thing or usually the pain gets worse. If the thing is out of your control to stop and the pain keeps getting worse the body starts producing chemicals that make the pain bearable. I call these sparkles usually bc by that point 'words' are not real things. These are, hmm, not drugs in the traditional sense (well... ... ... don't go down that rabbit hole) but it is some of the same chemicals and I've met some people who've described much more fun versions of some of my experiences. Usually falling over a lot is, uh, frustrating. But with sparkles anything is funny, I once spent ten minutes giggling about the sensation of air in my lungs. I've done full slapstick routines while off my tits on pain, left my only audience member smiling a bit even if it was only at how funny I found the show. I've spent long unbearable journeys snickering through the red behind my eyes to some comedy science show someone made years ago and is just as relevant to present day physics. The world is as fast as you perceive it to be.... well or it's a block universe but really that just makes no sense because then why does light move at the speed it does? Nah I think it's got to be a progression of motion, a change of matter (at a quantum rate and level as well as the largest macro) that is perceived as time we are familiar with which make space space-time because you can't have time without a space to be moved. or .as we perceive it, space without time's never ending progression, how would you continue to see if light wasn't moving? Time is what makes space perceivable, so now I just need to work out why the speed of light is that, because if it's as simple as the speed of motion of the universe I'll be very happy and eat some chocolate, and if not then I've got something to look forward to. Right, sorry, distracted by physics... anyway where was I??

 

Hmm, living :) pop music, don't click the link if you won't like it

What I'm saying is know, feel, work for flow. On a really low level I think we can feel if what we're doing is working for us.

And humans love to mess things up to learn more from it, so awareness that flow's evil twin of 'I'm right because..' is usually following creepily behind, watch for that one. Arrogance isn't attractive, or effective.

 

Deep breath, now take that next step.