I've been trying to place a sensation, name an understanding into words.

Bea passed a couple of weeks ago. So did Little Pulsar Man.

I miss them both, more than words can express.  This was Bea's pick for last song and my sister's, Pulsar never needed words to express - I will keep reading his favourite books to his favourite animals.

 

I didn't visit Bea because I was scared, hurt, looking after Little Man and most I didn't know if I could forgive the bullshit she's pulled over the years. The relationships lost, harmed and broken because of how she pushed people beyond their limits. Not sure I could forgive when she pushed me beyond what I truly felt comfortable taking. It was hard, I was young and unsure. I have grown and changed since then and perhaps I've learnt how to encourage without pushing, maybe there's a way to be more. To help without changing, beyond the observation, the person that you're helping. Turns out I felt the sadness regardless of forgiveness or not. Love her anyway, love that she taught me to believe I was okay whatever anyone was saying. This was her greatest and worst flaw.

 

I think the task of forgiving in true form is both harder to do than anyone expects and once done is so clean and free that it almost seems like it was easy, like there could have always been forgiveness where there was hurt before.

It takes a fraction of a second to open yourself to others, even those who've harmed you and it's a lifetime of seeing everything through to have those feelings open back up to you. To quote the Verve, all the love I have is in my mind.