I have really struggled, historically, with motivation.

     introspective psychology ramble, not happy, not really sad either....


 Think maybe that's because throughout most of my childhood my drive and ambition rooted from the ~lizard brain~ simply (at the core I think) because it's the most curious aspect of my personality. It's not that great at getting involved when it doesn't care, a surface analysis would say lazy deeper shows a desire to store energy and push to the limits of endurance when it matters. Lizard brain also took the flak for many years from the rest of me [jeez this must seem nonsense at this point] for being the one[/aspect/behavioural pattern] curious and driving towards the crazy sad man with the fantasy novels and more intricately refined sense of empathy (which he used to .. whatever, an asshole's an asshole) than I had ever come across before. It impressed and intrigued me, and I was vulnerable, and there was a cruelty that he didn't appreciate in fucking with that particular crossover of mental behaviour. But life happens, and we grow.

 That's the next (3) issue for me to deal with I think... gah nonsense but anyway.. because I spent so much time fucking with and fighting with myself because, however much I understand grooming and the nature of manipulation [*] I still have days when; I made choices to put myself in the line of rapists repeatedly, I know that's not an accurate account of events but it felt like it at times, and at times I fucked up other things because I was busy being fucked up about that. Not getting into too many personal details, but there is a reason why you see patterns of abused becoming abusers.. now I don't think the person involved [or anyone else] would consider anything I said or did to be harmful, but I saw what I was doing, how and why.. and I went crazy for a bit [Rolled] until I could not do that again. You Never Push The Button, motherfucker. No matter how tempting the idea of [insert your personal fuckup here] you are the only fucking person in the entire existence who has control over your own actions (even if others are imposing their will), so don't push the button [Nate] it haunts you whether you notice or not.   Anyway, I spent time ignoring and repressing my lizard brain, like anything if you don't use part of your body it starts going wrong. I couldn't think of any other way to be [cliche alert] turns out you can't change yourself per-force, just your behaviour and the way you think, how much you enjoy the sunshine.

   Once you know how to use a tin-opener it seems like nothing, do you remember the first time you looked at this crazy contraption with teeth and wheels? I tried it one way and the other, but until I saw it cinch to the groves I didn't get it. Can literally do it without looking now. This the rate of change in the mind, understanding (no accounting for forgetting) shifts perspective. Today I'm writing this in stead of getting on with the shit that needs to be done because I need to understand (and still fighting) my own motivations in stillness and silence.


[*] Manipulation: which there will be a page about at some point... we need more words for this guys: rain only means wet, on this island people don't call it just rain.

              Happy Tuesday people ;)