Warning: this aint happy, but it's a kind of forward motion





I've just seen something online suggesting violence toward a guy who (I didn't read it) raped a bunch of kids and probably beat/killed some of them (I didn't read it). That bothered me, it's not a happy thing to see. Eyes scanned the comments before I caught up to thinking 'probably shouldn't do that'.... I can't explain the hurt caused.... I can't explain that when I found out my (kiddie) rapist had been forced out of his house by his neighbours onto a shitty canal boat ... i think i laughed. I didn't know. After all that pain, I didn't know that taking a little joy in his ostracising from society would do that to me. Nor did anyone I knew.. there was a psychologist standing beside me while I laughed who seemed to shrug and think 'well, let her have it while she's laughing' (or something).... and no one said, "Hey, look, this life is a road and each moment you chose to act you're planting feet on the path. There's nothing wrong with a miss-step but don't let yourself keep going when the road's turning to quicksand." I don't honestly think I would've believed them then, couldn't understand that one second was connected to the next half the time. But I kinda wish I could've had a big snapshot of the routes I would go to get that justified and righteous feeling back. Now, I didn't seriously harm anyone (and I've done what I can to mitigate the damage dealt) but I think I got lucky in the people that I know and the places I ended up in bc I saw how much I was spinning one day and I wrote that poem to stop myself from hurting my partner more. Not suggesting that I don't ever get angry or take shit out on people who'll be pissed but love me anyway... I'm saying I try.. and try not to.. fuck with their heads like [the fucker] taught me to bc - you just don't push the mothrfucking button bc it hurts everyone inc self.


No one's fucking perfect, we've all got monsters in us if we look in the mirror hard enough. You know it, I know it, the fucking walls say it all the time. Mine took the route of pushing people's buttons, it's not a bad thing to do if you're not hurting anyone and are open about it... but that wasn't the intention or ideal when I was having flashbacks each night and waking dreams in the day. And if get lucky enough and that's the worst I ever do, then fuck it's probably not so bad as I make it sound.

"He doesn't live here anymore. There's a family, kids.. they look happy."
"I asked [...] he's living on a house boat somewhere. I checked he can't moor near yours or mine."
Me: "I hope they got him moved with pitchforks and flaming torches."

.......................

Violent post: [~comment~]..'m not a violent person but he should die for what he did, painfully.

It just keeps the hurt going. [the fucker] suffered. I took delight in it. And kept taking until it felt like eating a whole pack of giant marshmallows. Then started spilling out, like I'd thrown up a whole bloody mess of scabbed-over pain and sadistic hatred right into [partner's] brain while he wasn't looking. And I saw him get softer and try to help more and get hurt worse by it the more he was helping. There's no end to suffering there. It's a cycle that keeps going long after [insert relevant fucker here] stops hurting or dies or whatever bc it's already inside the victim, just pain going around and getting creative.

It's not right for an abuser to get away with their shit. But it's equally not right to subject an abuser to further abuse. I live with what's happened to me, good and bad, coincidence or intent, rolling life - and I bring to it everything I am [from experience, to action] - I get to choose. The pain doesn't stop without someone stopping it. Break the cycle.